Itu jawaban tanpa seketika ragu.
"Cuma bilang aku suka dia tidak cukup. Apa yang aku dapat sejak bertemu dia tak bisa aku tukar dengan apapun."
Pemilihan kata terasa canggung begitu intim, apalagi diucapkan di hadapan orang yang dibicarakan. Yuder tak tahu harus bereaksi apa, jadi dia hanya menatap piringnya.
Pujian bukan hal asing baginya. Dia hidup dengan kemampuan tak tertandingi, jadi itu wajar. Bahkan orang yang benci pada Yuder harus mengertakkan gigi sambil mengakui kehebatan dia. Dan pujian yang dia terima setelah setiap misi sukses jadi begitu sering hingga tak lagi menggerakkan hatinya. Bahkan Kaisar Katchian konsisten memuji kemampuan Yuder sebagai permata paling berharga Kekaisaran di hadapan duta asing.
Tapi kata-kata yang keluar dari mulut Kishiar terasa benar-benar beda, meski itu juga pujian. Mungkin terasa begitu karena dia tak pernah mendengar Kishiar kehidupan lalu mengucapkan hal seperti ini tentang dia ke siapapun.
Apakah selalu ada perbedaan antara pujian yang didengar langsung dan yang disampaikan lewat orang lain?
Yuder terus menggerakkan pisau dan garpunya, diliputi sensasi aneh. Rasanya perlu untuk tetap tenang.
"Benar? Kau bilang hal yang tak pernah kau ucapkan bahkan saat berhasil mengeluarkan bakat adjutanmu. Tentu kemampuan Tuan Yuder luar biasa, tapi…"
"Bukan cuma soal kemampuannya yang aku katakan."
"Oh? Lalu apa lagi yang kau dapat?"
Kishiar menjawab tanpa ragu.
"Aku dapet keyakinan pada apa yang kulakukan, alasan untuk hidup lebih nyata, dan ambisi yang membangkitkan gairah tantangan yang terlupakan. Dan…"
Kishiar berhenti, tersenyum, lalu melanjutkan.
"Aku dapet segalanya yang dibutuhkan untuk mencapainya, lewat hal yang hanya dia bisa lakukan."
Saat Yuder hendak memotong hidangannya terakhir, ujung pisau hampir tersandung.
Apakah Kishiar berniat mengungkapkan hubungan mereka ke Kaisar di sini?
Kaisar perlahan menaruh cangkir tehnya yang tadi dipegang ke bibir. Tatapannya beralih dari teh yang bergoyang ke dua pria di balik kacamatanya.
"Segalanya, katamu."
Suara Kaisar rendah, ekspresinya aneh misterius sejenak. Lalu dia memalingkan kepala, seolah itu hanya ilusi.
"Baik. Sepertinya Tuan Yuder selesai makan. Bawa pencuci mulut dan suruh semua orang pergi. Aku ingin bicara lebih santai dengan Adipati Peletta dan Tuan Yuder."
"Ya."
Di perintah Kaisar untuk pencuci mulut dan pengiring pergi, semua orang bergerak cepat. Tak lama, yang tersisa hanya dua piring pencuci mulut, cangkir teh baru untuk Kaisar, dan satu pengiring.
Begitu jauh dari pandang umum, Kaisar memanggil Kishiar dengan suara lebih jernih dari sebelumnya.
"Kishiar."
"Ya."
"Kau tak bawa Tuan Yuder ke sini hari ini cuma untuk pertemuan santai, kan? Benarkah?"
"Benar."
"Lalu sebutkan tujuanmu. Kalau kau terus memujinya, rumor yang sudah beredar di Barat bisa jadi kesalahpahaman canggung yang diambil sebagai fakta. Kau sadar kau bukan satu-satunya yang terlibat rumor itu?"
Di kata "kesalahpahaman canggung", ujung jari Yuder bergetar sejenak.
Kadang, kata yang dilempar tak sengaja bisa menyentuh sasaran.
Saat mereka di Tainu, berpura-pura jadi kekasih hanyalah akting. Tapi lakukan hal sama sekarang tak lagi sekadar pertunjukan. Saat pikiran tentang apa yang terjadi sejak liburan dimulai melintas, rasa dingin tiba-tiba merambat di punggungnya.
Saat Yuder bergegas ke ruangan Komandan, bertekad menerima semua sisi Kishiar, dia merasakan semuanya akan berubah sejak saat itu. Namun, dia tak pernah memikirkan hubungan mereka mungkin diungkapkan ke Kaisar Keilusa sejak awal.
Baru тогда Yuder sadar penuh pertemuan ini bukan cuma kesempatan kenal sebelum terapi; ini juga kesempatan bertemu keluarga orang yang telah berbagi tubuh dan jiwa dengan dia secara intim.
Hanya beberapa saat lalu, dia melihat Keilusa sebagai Kaisar Kekaisaran terlebih dahulu, merasakan jarak tertentu. Sekarang, dia melihatnya sepenuhnya sebagai 'saudara' Kishiar.
Entah dia merasakan ketegangan Yuder yang naik, wajah Kishiar tetap cerah dan gembira.
"Tentu, aku sadar. Aku agak kecewa kau temukan kata-kata tulusku canggung."
"Ini bukan mainan."
"Aku juga tidak bercanda. Aku mikir setelah kembali dari Barat, aku tak boleh biarkan rumor ini terlalu lama. Faktanya, kalau semakin menyebar, aku sambut saja."
Alis Kaisar yang biasanya tenang bergerak.
"Berarti kau tak berniat menekannya?"
"Betul."
"Aku benar-benar tak paham apa yang kau pikirkan."
"Apa yang bisa kupikirkan? Tentu aku takkan lakukan apa yang merugikan Yang Mulia, Kekaisaran, atau Yuder."
Kaisar Keilusa menyentuh pelipisnya. Di balik mata merah itu, identik dengan Kishiar, segudang pemikiran tampak berlalu.
"Tuan Aile, apakah kau juga tahu soal ini?"
Panah Kaisar tertuju ke Yuder. Nada suaranya mengintip dia mungkin akan memihak Yuder kalau dia menolak. Meski Yuder, seperti Kaisar, mendengar ini pertama kali, dia tak merasa kacau.
Semua ketegangan yang terakumulasi melebur begitu dia menatap mata merah Kishiar di atas piring pencuci mulut.
"Tidak, tapi aku tidak keberatan."
"Tidak keberatan? Itu perasaan tulusmu?"
Rumor dari hubungan palsu mereka di Barat bukan lagi objek kemarahan atau ketakutan bagi Yuder. Dia sudah lama menyiapkan diri untuk konsekuensinya begitu kembali ke ibu kota.
Tapi Kishiar—tatapan intensnya memberitahu Yuder dia tak berniat biarkan rumor ini reda begitu saja.
Jadi Yuder tak khawatir.
"Mungkin Komandan ingin memanfaatkan rumor ini untuk menyadarkan perlakuan terhadap Pembangkit… Benarkah?"
"Yang Mulia, lihat betapa bijak asistenku."
"Cuma jawab pertanyaannya."
Kaisar menghela napas pendek mendengar lelucon Kishiar.
"Baik Komandan ingin menekan rumor atau memanfaatkannya lebih jauh, aku komit mendukungnya hingga akhir. Tapi aku hargai keprihatinanmu, Yang Mulia."
"..."
Kishiar tersenyum ke Yuder. Kaisar diam lama. Yuder merasakan tatapan Kaisar berulang kali bergantian antara dia dan Kishiar.
"Baik. Karena itu pemikiranmu, Tuan Aile, aku sudah janji serahkan segala urusan soal Pembangkit ke Adipati Peletta, jadi aku tak punya ruang bicara lain. Namun…"
"..."
Tatapan Kaisar tertahan lama tak biasa pada Kishiar setelah menghentikan kalimatnya.
"Kishiar."
"Ya, Yang Mulia."
"Apakah rumor dari barat itu... Tidak, biarkan. Tinggalkan topik itu."
"Ya."
"Sekarang, bicarakan tujuan sebenarmu."
Pengiring utama diam-diam menuang teh hangat lagi ke cangkir, merasakan kelelahan di suara Kaisar Keilusa. Suasana menandakan tak ada revelasi mengejutkan lagi.
Lalu, dengan satu kalimat, Kishiar membekukan kelelahan mendalam Kaisar.
"Aku percaya Yang Mulia sudah punya gambaran lewat apa yang sudah kukatakan, tapi aku datang ke sini supaya kau bisa mendapatkan apa yang aku dapat dari Yuder."
"Keyakinan, semangat, tantangan—ini yang kau maksud?"
Mendengar gumaman Kaisar Keilusa, Kishiar mengangguk.
"Ya. Tak ada yang tahu lebih baik dari Yang Mulia apa yang dibutuhkan sekarang."
Hanya satu hal yang dibutuhkan untuk berbuat sesuatu.
Tubuh sehat yang bisa bergerak sesuka hati, dan wadah sehat untuk menampungnya.
Seolah Yuder mengerti kata-kata tak terucap, Kaisar dan pengiring utama juga tampak memahami maknanya. Pengiring utama menatapnya, melepaskan ketenangannya sebelumnya, dan wajah Kaisar Keilusa mengeras jadi ekspresi tak terbaca.
"Aku kurang yakin apakah aku paham dengan benar. Bukankah kau bilang Tuan Aile bukan spesialis soal seperti ini? Lalu bagaimana? Apalagi, apakah Tuan Aile tahu soal ini?"
"Tentu dia tahu, Yang Mulia. Aku bicara langsung sebagaimana aku anggap layak."
"..."
Chapter 473
It was a response without a moment's hesitation.
"Simply saying that I like him is not enough. What I have gained since meeting him is something I could never exchange for anything else."
The choice of words was awkwardly intimate, especially to say in the presence of the person in question. Yuder was unsure how to react and instead just looked down at his plate.
Compliments were familiar to him. He had lived his life with unparalleled abilities, so it was only natural. Even those who disliked Yuder had to grind their teeth while acknowledging his skills. And the praises he received after each successful mission had become so frequent that they hardly moved him anymore. Even Emperor Katchian had consistently praised Yuder's abilities as the Empire's most valuable jewel in the presence of foreign envoys.
But the words that flowed from Kishiar's mouth felt entirely different, even if they were also compliments. Perhaps it felt this way because he had never heard Kishiar of his past life say anything like this about him to anyone else.
Was there always such a difference between praise heard directly and praise conveyed through others?
Yuder kept moving his knife and fork, enveloped in a peculiar sensation. It felt necessary for staying composed.
"Really? You're saying things you've never said even when you've succeeded in bringing out the talents of your adjutant. While the abilities of Sir Yuder are impressive, of course…"
"I'm not saying this just because of his abilities."
"Oh? Then what else have you gained?"
Kishiar responded without hesitation.
"I've gained confidence in what I'm doing, a reason to live more vividly, and an ambition that awakens my forgotten drive for challenges. And…"
Kishiar paused, smiled, and then finished.
"I've gained everything necessary to achieve those things, through what only he can do."
Just as Yuder was about to make the final cut of his dish, the tip of his knife nearly slipped.
Was Kishiar planning to disclose their relationship to the Emperor right here?
The Emperor slowly set down his teacup, which he had been holding to his lips. His gaze shifted from the swaying tea to look at the two men beyond his glasses.
"Everything, you say."
The Emperor's voice was low, and his expression seemed oddly mysterious for a moment. But then he turned his head, as if it had been a mere illusion.
"Fine. It seems that Sir Yuder has finished his meal. Bring the dessert and let everyone else leave. I would like to speak more comfortably with Duke Peletta and Sir Yuder."
"Yes."
At the Emperor's command for dessert and for the attendants to leave, everyone moved swiftly. Soon, all that remained were two plates of dessert, a new cup of tea for the Emperor, and only one attendant.
Once out of public view, the Emperor called Kishiar with a clearer voice than before.
"Kishiar."
"Yes."
"You didn't bring Sir Yuder here today just for a casual meeting, did you? Am I correct?"
"You are."
"Then please, state your purpose. If you keep praising him, rumors that are already spreading in the West could become awkward misunderstandings that are taken as fact. Are you aware that you're not the only one involved in these rumors?"
At the words "awkward misunderstanding," Yuder's fingertips twitched for a moment.
Sometimes, a word thrown out unexpectedly can hit the mark.
When they were in Tainu, pretending to be lovers had been an act. But doing the same now would no longer be just a performance. As thoughts of what had transpired since the start of the holiday rushed through his mind, a sudden chill ran down his spine.
When Yuder had rushed into the Commander's room, determined to accept all aspects of Kishiar, he had sensed that everything would change from then on. However, he had never considered that their relationship might be revealed to Emperor Keilusa right from the start.
Only then did Yuder fully realize that this meeting was not only a chance to familiarize themselves before therapy; it was also an occasion to meet the family of someone with whom he had intimately shared his body and soul.
Just moments ago, he had seen Keilusa as the Emperor of the Empire first and foremost, feeling a certain distance. Now, he saw him completely as Kishiar's 'brother.'
Whether or not he sensed Yuder's mounting tension, Kishiar’s face remained bright and cheerful.
"Of course, I am aware. I am a bit disappointed that you find my heartfelt words awkward."
"This is no joke."
"I'm not joking either. I've been thinking that after returning from the West, I should not leave the rumor unaddressed for too long. In fact, if it spreads more, I'd gladly welcome it."
The Emperor's usually calm eyebrows twitched.
"You have no intention to suppress this, then?"
"Correct."
"I really can’t fathom what you’re thinking."
"What could I be thinking? Certainly, I plan on doing nothing that would harm His Majesty, the Empire, or Yuder."
Emperor Keilusa touched his temple. Behind those red eyes, identical to Kishiar's, a myriad of thoughts seemed to race by.
"Sir Aile, are you aware of this as well?"
The Emperor's arrow was aimed at Yuder. The tone of his voice hinted that he might take Yuder's side if he said no. Although Yuder, like the Emperor, was hearing this for the first time, he did not feel as disconcerted.
All the tension that had been building up melted away the moment he met Kishiar's red eyes over the plate of dessert.
"No, but I am fine with it."
"Fine? Is that your sincere sentiment?"
The rumors stemming from their pretend relationship in the West were no longer a subject of anger or fear for Yuder. He had long since prepared himself for the repercussions once they returned to the capital.
But Kishiar—his intense gaze told Yuder that he had no intention of simply letting the rumors die down.
So Yuder was not worried.
"Perhaps the Commander wishes to use the rumors to raise awareness about the treatment of the Awakeners… Am I correct?"
"Your Majesty, look how wise my assistant is."
"Just answer the question."
The Emperor sighed shortly after hearing Kishiar’s joke.
"Whether the Commander wishes to suppress the rumor or make further use of it, I am committed to supporting him until the end. But I do appreciate your concern, Your Majesty."
"..."
Kishiar smiled at Yuder. The Emperor remained silent for a long time. Yuder sensed that the Emperor's gaze was repeatedly shifting between him and Kishiar.
"Fine. Since that is what you think, Sir Aile, I have already promised to give all authority over matters concerning the Awakeners to Duke Peletta, so I have no room to say otherwise. However..."
"..."
The Emperor's gaze lingered unusually long on Kishiar after breaking off his sentence.
"Kishiar."
"Yes, Your Majesty."
"Is that rumor from the west... No, never mind. Let's leave that subject."
"Yes."
"Now, speak of your true purpose."
The chief attendant quietly poured more warm tea into the teacup, sensing the weariness in Emperor Keilusa's voice. The atmosphere suggested that no more shocking revelations were expected.
Then, with a single sentence, Kishiar froze the deep fatigue of the Emperor in place.
"I believe Your Majesty has some idea through what I've already said, but I've come here so that you might gain what I have gained from Yuder."
"Certainty, zeal, challenge—are these what you're referring to?"
Upon hearing Emperor Keilusa's muttered confirmation, Kishiar nodded his head.
"Yes. No one knows better than Your Majesty what is needed now."
All that was needed to do something was one thing.
A healthy body that could move at will, and a sound vessel to hold it.
As if Yuder understood the unspoken words, the Emperor and the chief attendant also seemed to grasp his meaning. The chief attendant looked at him, casting off his prior composure, and Emperor Keilusa's face solidified into an inscrutable expression.
"I'm not sure if I've understood you correctly. Didn't you say Sir Aile is not specialized in such matters? How then? Moreover, does Sir Aile know about this?"
"Of course he knows, Your Majesty. I've spoken directly as I deemed it permissible."
"..."
Surviving as a Mage in a Magic Academy
‘You must be aware of your talent. Now go attend Einroguard!’
‘Patriarch!’
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