Bab 22: Pikiran (2)
"Aku sudah berkali-kali bilang jangan pernah memanggilku 'ibu', adek yang jahat. Ada di benakmu mengapa kamu melempar kotoran ke Kate? Apa keinginanmu untuk isu ini belum cukup?" Katrina bertanya sambil tatapan mengerikan pada Alessandra. Semakin banyaknya melihat Alessandra, semakin membesar pula kemarahannya.
Katrina bingung mendengar apa yang Alessandra lakukan ke Kate dan bagaimana tak seorang pun menghentikannya.
Alessandra selalu tertarik dengan orang-orang yang menganggapnya iri pada Kate. Sejak kapan dia pernah menunjukkan itu? "Aku tidak pernah iri pada Kate. Justru sebaliknya."
Katrina tertawa terdengar lucu melihat Alessandra. "Kate, iri pada kamu? Sungguh hal yang tidak mungkin—"
"Bukan itu sebabnya kamu juga membenciku? Kate tak pernah menjadi pusat perhatian saat aku di sekitar, dan kamu tidak tahu menerima anak tunggumu dari istri pertama suamimu yang lebih baik dari anakmu. Aku mengerti dari mana Kate belajar untuk ingkar ini. Lucu, aku dulu pikir itu dari sisi ayahku."
"Apakah kamu gila—"
"Berapa kali aku harus ditanya ini? Menjengkelkan,
" bisik Su Alessandra, lelah dengan pertanyaan yang berulang. "Jawabanku ya, jadi kamu bisa berhenti menanyakannya. Aku harus gila karena harus menanggung keparotan ini selama begitu lama."
.....
"Kamu..."
Katrina terdiam, tidak yakin siapa yang berdiri di hadapannya. Alessandra tak pernah seperti ini. Ia tidak pernah protes dan selalu patuh. "Kamu hanya bertindak seperti ini karena keterlibatanmu."
"Wajar saja, tapi kamu tak punya tempat berkata ini. Kamu bertindak seperti istri seorang baron yang tinggi dan sombong. Dari sikapmu, kamu seolah-olah menikahi raja. Ayahku tidak setinggi itu agar kamu bertingkah seperti ini," ujar Alessandra dengan jujur.
Reputasi ayahnya perlahan-lahan menurun sepanjang tahun, dan banyak teman-teman dekatnya yang tak pernah muncul. Ia beruntung masih punya koneksi dengan Raja.
"Aku menduga kemewianya akan membuatmu menganggapnya hebat. Meskipun kekayaannya sekarang tak seperti dulu. Aku penasaran, apa yang dia habiskan untuk pendapatannya sehingga rumah ini seperti ini? Itu menambahkan hal baru ke dalam daftar ini. Di rumah ini, baron seolah-olah merasa dirinya raja. Lucu sekali," Alessandra tertawa kecil, melihat rumah keluarganya yang ketinggalan zaman.
'Bagaimana jika aku berpikir aku adalah burung, lalu aku bisa terbang menjauh,' kata Alessandra sambil bercanda dengan dirinya sendiri.
"Tidak ada masalah dengan keuangan ayahmu. Lihatlah lahan yang diberikan oleh Raja atas nama ayahku. Lihat betapa baiknya kebun kita. Lihat betapa megahnya dalam rumah kita. Ayahku punya cukup untuk hidup seperti raja jika inginkan."
"Kamu benar-benar melengkapi ayahku," kata Alessandra, menganggap Katrina tolol seperti ayahnya. Uang pasti habis untuk membuat Katrina dan Kate hidup seperti keluarga kerajaan juga.
Ayahnya menikahi seorang istri yang tidak mampu dipelihara selama bertahun-tahun, lalu mereka membuat seorang putri yang mirip dengan ibunya.
"Kamu harus dihukum atas apa yang kamu lakukan ke Kate."
Alessandra menoleh dari Katrina yang tulus. "Kenapa? Aku sedang menghukum Kate karena mengubur gaun ibu kandunganku saat seharusya ia hanya mengubur seekor anak kucing."
Karena itu gaun yang buruk, Katrina tidak peduli. "Tapi tetap—"
"Aku lelah mendengarmu bicara panjang lebar, Katrina. Kamu menggangguku."
"Apa yang sudah terjadi denganmu? Apakah kamu benar-benar bisa bertindak seperti ini hanya karena Edgar mengancam ayahmu? Aku tidak akan menerima agar anakku malu karena kamu. Tetaplah di situ!" Katrina memerintah Alessandra sambil berusaha keluar.
"Aku bukan anjing," mulai Alessandra perlahan beranjak, tidak ingin mendengar apa-apa pun dari Katrina lagi. "Ini benar-benar cara mereka mencoba untuk baik-baikkan diri kepadaku? Mereka tidak bisa bertahan sehari pun."
"Alessandra, jangan kabur dariku!" teriak Katrina saat ia sampai di luar hanya untuk menemukan Alessandra sedang pergi.
"Apakah matamu tidak berfungsi? Aku tidak sedang melarikan diri. Aku berjalan dengan anggun, ibu," bisik Alessandra sambil terus-menerus menggunakan kata itu untuk menyesali Katrina.
Dahulu, itu adalah satu-satunya cara yang bisa ia lakukan untuk membalas dendam pada Katrina.
"Berhenti di tempat," kata Katrina sambil mengangkat kedua sisi gaunnya untuk mengkejar Alessandra.
Alessandra terpingang melihat Katrina berlari. Aneh sekali untuk Katrina yang tidak terbiasa berlari cepat. "Wah," hanya itu yang bisa ia katakan.
"Alessandra!" seru Katrina sambil memegang bahunya erat-erat. "Aku sudah bilang untuk tinggal di situ."
Alessandra menepuk tangan Katrina yang kuat memegang bahunya. "Jangan sentuh aku, Katrina. Kate memang layak dapat apa yang ia lakukan—mengubur gaun ibu kandunganku. Jika ada yang merusaknya, harusnya aku. Sebagai gantinya, setiap kali kamu mau menghukum aku, seharusya kamu lebih banyak mengajarkan etika pada anakmu sebelum akhirnya ia tua dan sendirian."
"Tuan muda tak akan selalu menjagamu, Alessandra. Pria mudah berubah pikiran—"
"Itu dia yang diajarkan Kate dari kamu. Kenapa aku tidak terkejut? Karena itulah yang kamu dan Kate anggap benar, aku akan memegangnya selamanya, Katrina. Aku sudah bilang, " seriakan Alessandra sambil menangkap tangan Katrina yang terangkat untuk menamparnya. "Jangan sentuh aku lagi. Aku lelah menjadi kanopi tempatmu menamak.
"
Alessandra melepas tangan Katrina. Tangan lainnya gemetar saat ia ingin menendang Katrina ke lantai dan memukulnya berkali-kali dengan sebatang kayu, persis seperti dulu Katrina pernah melakukannya padanya. "Kamu sudah menyiksaku selama banyak tahun, Katrina. Duduk diam sambil aku melakukan hal yang sama padamu."
Alessandra pergi, membiarkan Katrina sendirian untuk memilih langkah berikutnya. Katrina bisa memilih untuk mengejarnya lagi tetapi menghadapi balasan yang lebih keras dari apa yang Alessandra lakukan pad Kate, atau berhenti dan menghadapi akibad yang akan datang.
Alessandra lega tidak mendengar Katrina mengikutnya, meskipun tiba-tiba ia tersenyum dan pegang kepalanya dari sakit yang mendadak datang.
"Aku tidak akan kehilangan diriku," bisiknya sebagai janji.
{"en": "My lady","id": "My lady", "category": "title"},
{"en": "Edgar","id": "Edgar", "category": "name"},
{"en": "Alessandra","id": "Alessandra", "category": "name"},
{"en": "Katrina","id": "Katrina", "category": "name"},
{"en": "Kate","id": "Kate", "category": "name"},
{"en": "Baron","id": "Baron", "category": "title"},
{"en": "Duke","id": "Adipati", "category": "title"},
{"en": "the king","id": "Raja", "category": "title"},
{"en": "mother","id": "ibu", "category": "title"}
Chapter 22: Thoughts (2)
“I told you never to call me mother, you evil girl. You have to be out of your mind to throw shit on Kate. Has your jealousy not gone far enough?” Katrina questioned. Her anger increased the more she looked at Alessandra.
Katrina was bewildered to hear of what Alessandra did to Kate and how no one stopped her.
Alessandra was always intrigued by everyone thinking she was jealous of Kate. When had she ever shown them that she was jealous? “I have never been jealous of Kate. It has always been the other way around.”
Katrina chuckled, finding Alessandra to be funny. “Kate, jealous of you? Such a thing is-”
“Isn’t that why you hated me too? Kate was never the center of attention when I was around and you could not stand the daughter of your husband’s first wife outshining your child. I can see where Kate gets her denial from. Funny, I thought it was from my father,” said Alessandra as she for so long believed it came from her father’s side of the family.
“Are you crazy-”
“How many times am I going to be asked this? It is annoying,” Alessandra muttered, tired of the repeated question. “My answer is yes so that you can stop asking me. I must be crazy for the crap I put up with for so long.”
.....
“You...” Katrina trailed off, unsure of who was standing before her. Alessandra was never like this. She was never one to talk back and quietly did as she was told. “You are only acting like this because of your engagement.”
“Obviously but you have no room to talk when you have done the same thing. You act all high and mighty because you are a baron’s wife. From your attitude, you would think you married the king. My father is not that great for you to act this way,” Alessandra honestly stated.
Her father’s reputation slowly decreased throughout the years and many of his high-status friends were hardly around. He was lucky to still have connections with the king.
“I suppose his wealth will make him great in your eyes. Though these days, his wealth is not like what it used to be. I wonder what he is spending all his income on for our house to be such a state. That’s something to add to the list. In this house, the baron thinks he is the king. Hilarious,” Alessandra chuckled, finding their house to be backward.
‘Maybe I should think I am a bird and then I could fly away,’ Alessandra humored herself.
“There is nothing wrong with your father’s finances. Look at the amount of land the king has placed in his name. Look at how wonderful our farm is. How grand the inside of our home is. Your father has enough wealth to live like a king if he wishes to.”
“You truly complete my father,” Alessandra viewed Katrina as idiotic as her father. The money must have been drained away to make Katrina and Kate live like royalty too.
Her father married a wife he could not afford to keep for all these years and then they made a daughter who was no different from the mother.
“You must be punished for what you did to Kate.”
Alessandra looked away from a delusional Katrina. “Why? I was punishing her for burying my mother’s dress when she was only supposed to bury the kitten.”
Katrina did not care about the awful dress. “Still-”
“I am tired of you talking so much, Katrina. You agitate me.”
“What on earth have you become? Do you really think you can be this way because Edgar threatened your father? I will not allow my daughter to be embarrassed by the likes of you. Stay there!” Katrina ordered Alessandra while she would make her way outside.
“I am not a dog,” Alessandra started to leave not wanting to hear what else Katrina had to say. “Is this really their way of trying to be nice to me? They couldn’t last one day.”
“Alessandra, do not run away from me!” Katrina yelled as she arrived outside only to find Alessandra leaving.
“Are your eyes not working? I am not running away. I am gracefully walking away, mother,” Alessandra would keep using the word mother as long as it annoyed Katrina.
In the past, it was the only thing she could do as revenge to Katrina.
“Stop right there,” Katrina picked up both sides of her dress to run after Alessandra.
Alessandra was highly amused when she looked back to find Katrina was chasing after her. It was quite the sight as it was odd for Katrina to be running around. “Wow,” was the only thing she could say.
“Alessandra!” Katrina grabbed onto Alessandra’s shoulder to stop her from hurrying away. “I told you to stay right there.”
Alessandra smacked Katrina’s hand away from harshly gripping her shoulder. “Do not touch me, Katrina. Kate had what was coming to her for messing with my mother’s dress. If anyone was to ruin that dress it would’ve been me. Instead of always trying to punish me, you should spend more time teaching your daughter manners before she ends up old and alone.”
“The Duke won’t always be guarding you, Alessandra. Men change their minds so easily-”
“So Kate learned that from you. Why am I not surprised? Since that is what the two of you believe, I shall hold unto him forever Katrina. I said,” Alessandra caught Katrina’s hand when it was raised to slap her. “Do not touch me. I am tired of being your punching bag!” She screamed, tiredness of her torture evident in her voice.
Alessandra gripped Katrina’s hand, pushing it back until Katrina winced from the pain. “Since you came here I have tried to have nothing from positive thoughts. Do you know how hard it is not to fall off into the deep end and let my negative thoughts consume me?”
“Even when the Duke’s sword is pointed at your necks you are still determined to hurt me. Are you determined to make me become a mad woman? Do not keep pushing me. If those thoughts truly consume me, I might end up killing all of you. Even now when the voice in my head is telling me to just end you, I am trying to hold on.”
Alessandra was alone for such a long time that she had no one to talk to but herself. The person she created in her head was meant to be a friend to keep her happy but as Kate and Katrina’s torture increased, the voice in her head changed to telling her cruel things.
Befriending Mario and the kitten had saved her but the voice always lingered in her head. There was nothing she could do to escape what she had created and her newfound anger toward her family was not helping.
“Leave me alone,” Alessandra released Katrina’s hand. Her other hand twitched at the thought of pushing Katrina down and repeatedly beating her with a stick just as Katrina had once done to her. “You’ve tortured me for many years, Katrina. Sit quietly while I do the same to you.”
Alessandra left Katrina alone so that the woman could choose her next move carefully. Katrina could either chase after her again but face retaliation far worse than what Alessandra had just done to Kate or, walk away and endure what was to come.
Alessandra was satisfied with not hearing Katrina following behind her however, she stumbled the moment she entered the house and gripped her head from a pain building up.
She did not know how to handle all the angry and negative thoughts she had kept at bay for many years suddenly flooding her head. It was foreign to her as she tried to keep a positive outlook on her life but she had strayed far away from it today.
“I will not lose myself,” she promised.
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