Bab 300
"...Baiklah. Jika kamu menginginkan, di mana saja bisa. Aku akan membantumu."
Tangan yang bertindih itu perlahan menelusuri wajahnya.
Tidak ada sensasi khusus ketika Kishiar menyentuh wajahnya. Namun, ketika Yuder merasakan sentuhan kulit orang lain di tangannya, terasa aneh asing. Saat tangannya menggulung pelan melintasi pipi halus, hidung lurus, kehangatan tersembunyi di balik rambut, dan kening yang lembut, Yuder menggambar detail wajah Kishiar di dalam pikirannya.
Sensasi kelip-kelip panjang yang menggoreskan ujung jari membuatnya tertidur. Dari sekadar sentuhan singkat itu, dia tahu Kishiar sedang tersenyum dengan mata yang tertutup. Jantungnya mulai berdebar cepat. Ketika tangan Yuder sedikit lebih kaku, Kishiar perlahan mengurangi tekanan tangan yang mendukungnya. Yuder, yang tadi masih lemah tak berdaya untuk bergerak, kini menyentuh wajah Kishiar sepenuh kesadaran dan keinginannya sendiri.
Gerakannya yang cermat perlahan mempercepat, seolah terhiksi. Ia tidak menyadari bahwa salah satu tangan telah berubah menjadi dua.
'Inilah rasanya wajahnya.'
Setiap sentuhan menggambar gambar baru dari wajah itu di dalam pikirannya. Hal-hal yang ia duga diketahui terasa begitu tak dikenal. Kishiar tidak melawan, tidak peduli bagian mana yang disentuh Yuder. Ia hanya pasrah, menghembuskan napas panas berselang.
Akhirnya, tangan Yuder turun melewati hidung, menuju bibir. Sesuatu yang ia sengaja hindari, namun kini menjadi satu-satunya bagian yang belum disentuh. Saat dengan lembut membelai bibir atas dan mengembolakan ujung bibir, sebuah desisan, seolah menanti, pun muncul.
NAPAS PENUH SENYUM MENGALIR MELALUI BIBER YANG SEDIKIT TERBUKA.
"...Bahas.
Bibir yang berbisik itu menyentuh ujung jari Yuder, lalu mengundur. Di momen itu, Yuder merasa tak bisa lagi menahankan diri untuk hanya menyentuhnya. Perasaan lembut itu bergeser menjadi lapar yang intens.
Ia tertarik tangan yang memeluk wajah Kishiar, mendekat lebih jauh, seolah semakin dekat, semakin bisa melewati lapisan kasa untuk melihatnya. Pipi yang tadi tersenyum kencang kaku.
Detik ketika bibir mereka bertemu, panas yang disedaki menghapari pikirannya. Kishiar yang seolah lembut mendorongnya menjauh, tiba-tiba beku.
"..."
Merasakan senyum menghilang dari bibir Kishiar melalui bibirnya memberi sensasi aneh. Meskipun pernah menyentuh bibir ini berkali-kali, kenyataan bahwa ia yang memulai sentuhan ini membuat segalanya terasa baru.
Kishiar beberapa kali mencoba menariknya, menaruh tangan di punggung Yuder, namun hanya berhasil meraih lipatan pakaiannya, tak mampu menghentikannya.
Dengan kaku, ia terbuka dan menyentuh lidah yang keras. Ketika Kishiar ragu, menghela napas dan berusaha menarik kepalanya kembali, tangan yang tadi mendorong Yuder tiba-tiba berubah arah dan menjeratnya lebih dekat. Di kegelapan yang tak bergaung, hanya rasa panas yang nyata terasa seperti kenyataan yang nyata.
NAPAS BERAT YANG PENUH INGIN TAK TERPUPUK BERSAING-SAJIAN, MENGHUBUNG, BERHENTI DAN KEMBALI. DADA YANG DITEKAN OLEH JANTUNG YANG BERDEBAR SAMPAI TERASA AKAN MELEDING.
Entah itu jantungnya sendiri atau jantung Kishiar, Yuder tak dapat membedakan.
Segala sesuatu yang ia inginkan hanyalah agar kehadiran yang ia pegang erat-erat tidak pernah menghilang.
-----
Hingga kini, setiap kali Yuder dan Kishiar bercinta, inisiatif selalu datang dari Kishiar yang lebih dulu menjangkau. Tapi kali ini, peran mereka terbalik — inisiatif kali ini datang dari Yuder.
Rasa benci pada dirinya muncul, namun di kedalaman lain terasa seolah ia sudah lama menantikan momen ini.
Meskipun menyadari hal ini salah, ia tak bisa menahan hasratnya. Di saat kontak terjadi, ia bahkan melupakan kondisi fisiknya yang rapuh. Ia tak menyadari betapa jauhnya ia mungkinkan jika tak terasa sakitnya di rusuk-rusuk retaknya akibat napas yang terlalu dalam.
Seolah ia telah menjadi seorang buta yang tersesat dalam emosi..
'…Tidak. Aku benar-benar buta sekarang.'
Yuder menghela dengan lembut, terasa gemericik kasa baru yang Kishiar ganti untuk dirinya. Ia baru tahu kemarin, ketika Kishiar telah mengganti pakaian dan mengasa kembali sambil ia tidak sadari sudah di keadaan tidak sadarkan diri.
Tugas seperti ini bisa dikeluarkan ke Lusan atau orang lain, namun ia tak berkata apa-apa melawan Kishiar yang singkat dengan tegas, "Yang paling yakin adalah yang sendiri melakukannya."
"Apakah sudah selesai? Apakah sakit?"
"
…Ya."
Akhirnya mengikat kasa di pinggangnya, Kishiar menyiapkan kemeja baru dan dengan cepat mengancingkannya. Meskipun sentuhannya tak terasa hangat, setiap kali ia merasakan tatapmannya mengudara di kulitnya, bibirnya yang bengkak memang terasa tersentuh. Namun ia senantiasa berusaha untuk tidak memikirkan emosi yang muncul.
"Masih lapar?"
"
Sudah."
"Demammu… sepertinya sedang mencapai puncaknya."
Dingin yang mengisi tubuhnya sejak pertama ia bangun, seolah terjebak dalam es, telah lama sirna. Tangan yang menyentuh foreheadnya yang panas pun jatuh dengan sebuah desis.
"
Aku men yesan. Seharusnya kuhindari hal ini."
"
…Aku minta maaf."
"
Sekianlah kamu sembuh, baru boleh minta maaf."
Tangan yang sedang menyapu rambut yang kusam jatuh. Angin dingin yang tak terasa saat mereka berdekatan kini tersentuh, seolah mengetuk jiwanya kembali. Yuder perlahan membuka mulutnya di tengah kesadangannya.
"
Namun, aku minta maaf."
"
Apa yang kamu minta maaf?"
Ia tak tahu harus minta maaf untuk apa. Karena dirinya pun tak punya jawaban yang tepat. Sementara Yuder tak berkata apa pun, Kishiar mengeluarkan suara kecil.
"
Baik. Aku sudah puas kamu datang kepadaku pertama. Jadi, kamu tak perlu memaksakan diri hari ini. Masih ada banyak waktu…"
Banyak waktu? Apa itu hal yang aneh untuk dikatakan? Rasanya lebih aneh bagi Yuder dibandingkan dengan dikatakan ia tak perlu berusaha keras. Ia mengeluarkan napas dalam, terasa tegang melepas.
"
Aku berharap kamu tidak mimpi buruk kali ini..."
Suaranya yang samar menjadi suara terakhir sebelum segalanya menjadi sunyi.
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Chapter 300
"...Alright. If you want, anywhere is fine. I'll help you."
His overlapped hands slowly traced his face.
There was no particular sensation when Kishiar touched his face. But when Yuder felt the touch of the other's skin in his hands, it felt strangely unfamiliar. As his hands glided across the smooth cheeks, the straight nose, the warmth hidden behind the strands of hair, and the soft forehead, Yuder traced the features of Kishiar in his mind.
The sensation of the long eyelashes brushing his fingertips tickled. From just that fleeting touch, he knew Kishiar was smiling with his eyes closed. His heart began to race faster. When Yuder's hands grew slightly firmer, Kishiar gradually withdrew the force from his hands that were supporting him. Yuder, who had been too weak to move independently just moments ago, was now touching Kishiar's face entirely on his own volition.
His cautious movements gradually quickened as if bewitched. He hadn't even realized when one hand had turned into two.
'So, this is what his face felt like.'
Every touch drew a new image of the face in his mind. The things he thought he knew felt utterly unfamiliar. Kishiar didn't resist, no matter where Yuder touched. He just passively surrendered, exhaling hot breaths sporadically.
Finally, Yuder's hands moved down past the nose, towards the lips. A part he had consciously avoided, but now it was the only place left untouched. As he gently caressed the upper lip and fumbled towards the end, a sigh, as though waiting for him, arose.
A smile-filled breath flowed out through the slightly parted lips.
"...That tickles."
The whispering lips brushed the tip of Yuder's fingers, then pulled away. In that instant, Yuder felt he could no longer resist merely touching him. The once gentle feelings boiled over into a fervent hunger.
He pulled at the hands that were cradling Kishiar's face, moving closer, as though if he came any nearer, he'd be able to see past the bandages. Kishiar's previously smiling cheeks tensed up.
The moment their lips overlapped, regrettable heat consumed his mind. Kishiar, who had seemed to be gently trying to push him away, froze.
"..."
Feeling the laughter disappear from Kishiar's lips through his own was a strange sensation. Despite having touched these lips countless times, the mere fact that he had been the one to initiate the touch made everything feel new.
Kishiar tried several times to remove him, placing his hands on Yuder's back, but he could only grab onto the hem of Yuder's clothing, not being able to stop him.
Awkwardly, he parted the lips and touched the stiffened tongue. When Kishiar hesitated, releasing his breath and attempting to pull his head back, the hand that had been pushing Yuder away suddenly changed its direction and pulled him closer. In the unending darkness, only the tangible heat felt like a vivid reality.
Breaths, heavy with unsatisfied desire, intertwined, flowed from their locked lips, paused and resumed. The pounding heart he could feel against his chest was so intense it felt like it would burst. Whether it was his heartbeat or Kishiar's, Yuder couldn't tell.
All he wished for was that the presence held desperately in his hands would not disappear.
—---
Until now, all the kisses between Yuder and Kishiar had been initiated by Kishiar, reaching out first. But this time, it was the other way around - Yuder was the one who moved first. A deep sense of self-loathing stirred within him, yet on some level, it felt as if he had long yearned for this moment.
Despite the realization that it was wrong, he could not contain his desire. In the moment of contact, he even forgot about his own physical condition. He was oblivious to how far he might have gone if he had not felt the sting in his cracked ribs from his intense breathing.
It was as if he had become a blind man lost in his emotions.
'...No, I am indeed blind now.'
Yuder sighed softly, feeling the rustle of the fresh bandages that Kishiar had changed for him. He had not known until then that Kishiar had been the one to change his clothes and bandages while he was unconscious.
Such a task could have been entrusted to Lusan or others, yet he found himself speechless against Kishiar, who replied curtly that the one caring should be the one most certain.
"Is it over now? Does it hurt?"
"…Yes."
Finally securing the bandage around his waist, Kishiar threaded a new shirt on his arm and quickly buttoned it up. Though his touch bore no warmth, each time Yuder felt his gaze brush against his skin, his swollen lips tingled in response. Yet each time, his ribs also throbbed, so Yuder endeavored not to focus on his emotions.
"Are you still hungry?"
"I'm fine."
"Your fever... seems to be rising again."
The cold that had filled his body when he first woke up, as if he was encased in ice, had long since dissipated. The hand that touched his burning forehead dropped away with a sigh.
"I regret it. I should have refrained."
"…I'm sorry."
"Save your apologies until you're fully healed."
The hand that had been sweeping back his disheveled hair dropped away. The cold wind that he hadn't felt while they were close together seemed to belatedly chill his heart. Yuder opened his mouth slowly amidst his clouded senses.
"Still, I'm sorry."
"What do you have to be sorry for?"
He couldn't say what he was sorry for. Because he himself didn't have all the answers. As Yuder remained silent, Kishiar let out a small sigh.
"I'll stay here until you fall asleep. Then, I'll go find a way to remove the traces of the amplification circle with the mages."
"There's no need for you to do so much..."
"There is. I can't trust them completely. Once we find the answer, I plan on removing the traces of the amplification circle myself."
"...But won't that reveal to everyone that you possess the power of a mage?"
"That's true. But it doesn't matter. Have you forgotten? I came here to announce that I'm the owner of the divine sword."
His pleasing voice emitted a dry chuckle.
"It's time everyone knew. Who I am, who we are."
So that no one could ever take them lightly again.
He seemed to hear the unspoken words in his head.
"In order to do that, I need to know exactly how much of a weakness you possess. I need to gather as much information as possible about your current state… Are you okay with that?"
When Yuder remembered Kishiar's expression upon discovering the fact that his power did not properly work against monsters, an image of it flickered across his mind before disappearing. He had expected him to be upset about the concealed weakness, but instead, his surprising request to be the one to share it caught him off guard.
"Of course."
"So far, only I and Priest Lusan are aware of this. Others might have figured it out on their own, but officially, they'll act ignorant unless you bring it up."
his casual way of speaking was possible only because, even in the urgency of the situation, he tried his best to respect Yuder's will.
Suppressing the sharp pain that sprang up again in his chest, Yuder nodded.
"Thank you. I'll tell the others."
"Good."
"I will tell Commander now..."
"What do you want to discuss in this heat? Let's talk about it next time."
"But..."
"Is it because you're still concerned about what was said before?"
Kishiar hit the nail on the head. he sighed and continued speaking.
"It's okay. Of course, when I first noticed, I wished you had told me earlier. However, I don't think knowing in advance would have been able to prevent the situation we're in now."
"..."
He could feel his gaze sweeping over his bandage-covered body.
"It's not a matter of trust, it probably just seemed natural to you. You, accustomed to being alone, couldn't have changed your nature overnight."
Yet again, he asked nothing of Yuder. The weight of that fact pressed heavily on his chest.
"I..."
The advice that briefly crossed his mind was one that Kishiar in his previous life had often given. Despite having the same meaning, it felt much weightier than when he'd heard it in his dreams. As he struggled to come up with something to say, opening and closing his mouth in stupor, Kishiar gently intertwined his fingers with his.
"It's okay. I'm already satisfied that you reached out to me first. So you don't need to push yourself today. There's still plenty of time..."
Plenty of time? What a strange thing to say. It felt even more odd to Yuder than being told he didn't need to try harder. He exhaled deeply, feeling his tension unwind.
"I hope you don't have any nightmares this time..."
his faint voice was the last sound before all became silent.
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